I am a ghost. Not in the woo woo bedsheet variety, but in the invisible way. As only the scarred can be. As only one who has travelled to a land unfamiliar to anyone else can be. I am, even now, as if I had died but somehow remain walking, breathing. Like I alone have discovered how to breathe underwater. And alone it is, even though thousands have been and remain where I tread. I am forever changed, in good ways as well as bad,
A timeline for details :
June 10 (2020) my left breast was swollen, red, painful, and hot like a sunburn.
June 12 my left breast turned purple, went to the doctor, was put on antibiotics for 10 days and received 3 antibiotic shots. The color and swelling improved, but the pain remained.
June 29 I went to UHC hospital for a mammogram and breast ultrasound, a mass in the left breast looks like a unicorn, 2cm wide (slightly less than an inch), the "horn" puts it much taller. my BIRADS score for this is a 5. Birads is a scoring system for ultrasounds, it goes from 0-6, 5 being a 95% chance of malignancy (6 is after a biopsy shows cancer is present). the radiologist was so sure that he told me I had cancer, even before a biopsy, so I've known since this day, but chose to wait for a biopsy to be certain before I let anyone else know. Due to covid, I was alone, my husband was outside waiting in the parking lot (but honestly, I only expected to hear I had an infection, cancer was never even on my radar)
July 8 ultrasound/needle biopsy of mass.
July 13 surgeon called me at home and confirmed cancer diagnosis (invasive ductal carcinona to be exact, most common type) I will need another biopsy of the irregular lymph node found. surgery for sure. I meet with him on Thursday, he will have the markers info by then (eventually find out stage 2, estrogen+ progesterone+ HER2-) for treatment options, staging, etc. oncologist appointment at the Cancer Center UHC is on Friday. the avalanche of appointments begins . .
August I had a lumpectomy and 2 lymph nodes removed (underarm is still numb -permanent nerve damage) I have a pink hospital bracelet with "Limb Alert" on it, seems I can never get blood drawn or blood pressure checked on the side that had lymph nodes removed.
September I needed a second surgery as the tumor margins weren't clear after the first one.
numerous infections, seroma, doctor visits . . .even after the second surgery my margins were less than 1mm and am unable to tolerate the estrogen therapy tablets.
October radiation, 15 visits, every day Mon - Fri for 3 weeks. I received 8 permanent tattoos, blue dots to line up the radiation each time. They had a pretty landscape on the ceiling of a snow capped mountain. I would imagine climbing cloiser to the top with each visit. I turned 57 on one of my visits, the lovely staff got me a piece of cake.
December seroma, drainings, pain, meds. I still have pain when hugged or touched on my left side.
I am now "cancer free". The hardest part is the mental aspect. I struggle daily. In the beginning I had such an intense feeling of shame, of having done something wrong, of being in trouble - like being called into the principal's office at school. All through this I distinctly felt as if it was happening to another "me" next to myself, just to my left. If anyone marvelled at how well I took everything, it was because it felt like it was happening to someone else. The only time I cried was when I took the bandages off from my first surgery. I am still a scarred Frankenstein mess there. If I was to cry all my tears, all that would be left is a pile of dust, to blow away in the wind. The only living person cremated and still walking around. Funny, all my life I have been a square peg in a round hole, except for breast cancer - I am exactly the average age of onset, have the most common type, even the most common tumor site, outer right quadrant at 2 o'clock.
Day by day now, some days are good, others horrible, most are in between . . .
Life is too short to not be authentic, to enjoy God's gifts on this earth, to radiate peace, love, and joy wherever you go.